The Humdrum Lives of Cryptids, Monsters, and Villains Read online

was low, so ironically he had to take him to get something to eat in the game before he could do anything else. Torrance began to wonder if the universe was having fun tormenting him today or if this was all a coincidence.

  As the pixelated sasquatch on the screen munched happily on a cartoonishly oversized cheeseburger, its weapons lying on the fast food dining table before it, Torrance checked his phone. It had been seventeen minutes since he placed the order for the pizza. Surely it would be arriving soon...

  He drove around in the game idly after stealing a car from a merman. Water spilled from the car door when he pulled the merman from his vehicle and left him flopping around on the pavement. It was a nice car, and one that he wanted to save so that he could use it again, but to do so he would have to drive all the way across the map.

  As he began his video game journey, his phone rang. He eyed the device, puzzled because it displayed a number he had never seen before. He quickly answered it, and cocked his neck so that he could hold the phone between his muscular neck and floppy ears as he continued to play.

  "Hello? This is Torrance," he said as he barreled down the wrong side of a crowded highway in Bigfoot Bandits.

  "Oh, well this is Marcus from Pop McPizza's Pizza Palace Incorporated, but I'm supposed to be delivering a pizza to a Terrence..." the voice on the other end of the line said, a note of confusion in its voice.

  "No, no, you've got the right minotaur," Torrance said distractedly as he crashed his car.

  "How can that be? If your name is Torrance, and I'm supposed to be delivering this pizza to someone named Terrence..."

  "It was a mistake when they were taking down my name. I assure you that you have my pizza. Besides, why are you calling me? Where is the pizza?" he asked as he fled the scene of the accident in his damaged car.

  "Well, I'm trying to deliver it, but I'm a bit turned around in your maze," Marcus said. Torrance could hear the slight echo of his voice and the clip clop of hooves reverberating off the stone walls of his labyrinth. Marcus must be a centaur, like Pop McPizza himself.

  "I'm sorry to get off subject, but it’s a labyrinth, not a maze," Torrance said. Along with cryptids pronouncing his name wrong, another pet peeve of his was when they referred to his labyrinth as a maze.

  "Whatever... Where am I supposed to take this thing?" Marcus said apathetically.

  "I live in the middle. Just keep walking toward the middle."

  The centaur sighed deeply. "It's not quite that easy. There are a lot of twists and turns and such."

  "Hey, I'm not going to tell you how to do your job, alright?" Torrance said, becoming more annoyed by the second, both by the delivery centaur's incompetence and by the other drivers in Bigfoot Bandits who kept haphazardly bumping into his stolen car.

  "Why do you even live in a maze?" Marcus asked as his hooves continued to echo off of the stone walls of the labyrinth.

  "Uhhh... It's kind of a long story.... And besides, it's not a maze, it's a labyrinth. There's a difference," Torrance said irritatedly. 

  "No there isn't," Marcus said lazily.

  "There most certainly is!" Torrance snorted, temporarily veering off the road and into a telephone pole. His car had begun to issue smoke from under the hood.

  "Uh huh... And what's that?" Marcus asked. Torrance was getting the impression that Marcus was the type of centaur that liked to ask annoying questions just to get a rise out of cryptids.

  "It's... It's just... It's different in principle," Torrance said distractedly, struggling to think of a way to simplify the concept of what made a labyrinth different from a regular maze.

  "See! See! You don't even know the difference!" Marcus said with glee.

  "Ugh... It's a labyrinth, okay?" Torrance groaned. "Just show some respect to the labyrinth. A labyrinth is dark and damp and dangerous. A labyrinth has stone walls and monsters and traps. Mazes conjure images of children's menus that are solved in crayon in chain restaurants, but a labyrinth... now that's something substantial, something intricate. That, my friend, is why this is a labyrinth and not a maze."

  "Okay, that at least kind of makes sense," Marcus conceded after a long pause. "I'm not your friend though."

  "Eh?" Torrance grunted, thoroughly confused.

  "You said 'my friend' earlier when you were explaining how a labyrinth was different than a maze. I'm not your friend. I'm just your pizza deliverer, and after being stuck in your precious labyrinth, I think I can say with absolute certainty that I won't want to be your friend afterward," Marcus said haughtily.

  "It's just an expression, dude. I'm beginning to suspect you aren't a native speaker of English... You seem to have only a tenuous grasp on the language," Torrance said harshly.

  "What? Of course I'm a native speaker!" Marcus said in an outrage.

  "But you've never heard someone use the expression 'my friend' when referring to someone, even if they aren't actually friends?"

  "....No."

  "And you didn't know the difference between a maze and a labyrinth either," Torrance added.

  "Alright, so maybe expressions and colloquialisms aren't my strong suit."

  "What is your strong suit? It certainly doesn't seem to be delivering pizzas." Torrance knew he had crossed a line and regretted it immediately. There was no need to be so rude to this pizza delivery centaur. He was just trying to do his job. Maybe he was a bit mouthy, but so was Torrance. "I'm sorry, it's just been a long day and I'm really hungry and grumpy."

  Marcus just sighed as the sound of his hooves continued to reverberate off the walls of the labyrinth. He must deal with irate customers often.

  "Dammit!" Torrance exclaimed as he crashed his car in Bigfoot Bandits again.

  "Look, I'm doing my best here!" Marcus said exasperatedly.

  "What? Oh, no, that wasn’t directed at you. I'm playing Bigfoot Bandits and I keep crashing my car," Torrance said, realizing the error in communication.

  "That game rules," Marcus said. They had finally found a middle ground. Perhaps they could continue the delivery amicably from this point on.

  "I know!" Torrance concurred. "Have you beaten the story missions yet?"

  "No, I've just been driving around and causing mayhem mostly."

  "Same here. That's the fun part anyways."

  "Wait... I think I'm almost there... Is there a torch outside the door?" Marcus asked excitedly.

  "Yes!" Torrance exclaimed, setting down his video game controller and rising from the couch. He bounded across the room and flung open the door. A centaur holding a cell phone to his ear with one hand, and holding a pizza with the other stood at the edge of the torchlight outside of the door. They each hung up their phones. A Pop McPizza's Pizza Palace Incorporated hat became visible upon the centaur's head as he approached. A name tag reading Marcus was pinned to his chest.

  "Are you aware that there are several dying men scattered throughout your maze?" Marcus asked indifferently.

  "It's a labyrinth... And no, I wasn't aware of that. It's just part of having a labyrinth and being a minotaur though. There are always a few adventurers wandering around the labyrinth, trying to find me."

  "Huh... Alright then, I have one extra-large pizza, olives and sausage on half and extra cheese on half with a whole snake baked into the crust, is that correct?" Marcus said as he read off the receipt taped to the pizza box.

  "I didn't order a snake baked into the crust... I was very clear about that on the phone," Torrance said, annoyed.

  "Well... Do you want to take it or not?" Marcus said uncertainly.

  Torrance sighed deeply. "Sure."

  "That'll be eleven Crypto Units. Plus the tip," the centaur said, eyeing him moodily.

  "Wait a second," Torrance said as he reached for his cell phone once again. He checked the time he had ordered the pizza. It had been thirty five minutes ago. "This pizza is free. It took longer than thirty minutes to be delivered," he said triumphantly.

  "No, I was here in plenty of time. If it w
asn't for your maze, I wo- ,"

  "Labyrinth," Torrance interjected.

  "Whatever it is!" the centaur cried out, his eyes bulging. "I was here well within the time limit, Terrence. These - ,"

  "It's Torrance."

  The centaur looked as though it was on the verge of attacking him for a moment, but then a calm seemed to overcome him. Maybe it was his glance toward the minotaur's menacing horns. "Look, Torrance, these pizzas come out of my paycheck if they're delivered outside of the thirty minute time limit. I was in the labyrinth well before then and you know that. I think you're really splitting hairs here."

  The centaur was right and Torrance knew it. As much as he would like a free pizza, he did not want it to come out of Marcus' paycheck, and he had been in the labyrinth in time even if he had not technically delivered the pizza yet. He handed over eleven Crypto Units, plus five more as a substantial tip.

  Marcus thanked him briefly and turned around, disappearing in the darkness past the ring of torchlight. Torrance closed and locked his front door after extinguishing the torch. He cracked open the pizza box as he walked toward his couch. The aroma was intoxicating.

  The edge of the crust was wide and protuberant with the whole snake baked into the crust. As he pulled a triangular piece of the pizza from the pie, he felt the snake roll beneath his fingers. He decided that he might pass on eating the crust this time. He sat down, took a bite, and closed his eyes in ecstasy. Upon opening his eyes, he saw that his Bigfoot Bandits character was standing in the middle of the highway. Another player must have